Dear Tuesday, 5

Tuesday,

I really miss you today. I know I'm in denial. I still think you will come back to me. Actually, it's the only thing keeps me moving forward. I have moments when I am about to crash and then I calm myself by thinking "just later".

We will buy a house.. just later. I will buy him that jacket... just later.
Today I am wavering between anger and sadness. Anger because we could have made this work. Because for me, for everything you disliked about me, I could have changed. And the things about you that I hated - now I know where a result of some very serious mental issues.

I am angry at you for quitting me. I am so angry. So angry because you placed blame on me and didn't even bring up these issues when I had a chance to fix them. I was no angel but I would have tried. I am no lost cause but you painted me as such. I hate you for that. For ruing my life, for ruining my idea of my future. For depleting my self esteem. For never having sex with me. For making me question my worth as a woman and a wife.  I hate you for your selfishness. I miss who you where. I hate this angry person who you are now.

Sometimes I think- I'm glad you left me because it you are planning to remain the same miserable person you are now, then I could not have dealt with it.

Other times, I just miss you. I carry with me a deep sorrow that I cannot shake and you put it there. If you could just hold me, I would be so happy. I miss you deeply.

Dear Tuesday, 4

I just spoke with you  (on the phone) for over an hour! I can't believe it. We usually end up topping out at 15 minutes. I wish we could talk for hours on end like when were in college, but I don't think we can. Well I'm afraid we can't. Do you think those types of conversations happen between people married for long periods of time? Or do you think people who have been married for a while have pared down their conversations, like you and I have?

I worry about that... the sustainability to keep each other interested in the next 10, 20 , 50 years. I worry that we will get bored of solely talking to each other. Although, I know that we do well together in person. I don't think I could ever get bored of just being around you because I enjoy just being. I enjoy just standing still with you. I think that's what we do best. We connect best in person. Not so much in "digital".

I fear that you will forget me if I am not around. You will forget the softness of my hands and the way I look at you. The love that doesn't translate over the phone. I certainly don't feel as connected with you over the phone than as when I am holding your hand. Please, don't forget me. I so desperately want to not be forgotten. Have a good night. I love you.

Dear Tuesday, 3

My heart aches when I think about you. Right now, my only connection to you is  Google Chat.  Where you used to be such a strong presence in my life, you are now just a small green dot on my computer screen.

The loss is immense. I honestly can't divide my emotions into sad or angry right now. I don't know how I feel.

Dear Tuesday (2)

Today I am so angry at you. You ruined my life. I trusted you with everything I had and you know how hard that is for me. I beleived you when you said that we were partners. I believed you when you said we could get through anything together. I believed you when you said you would be with for me for always.

You lied and it hurts so bad. I want to scream at your face and show you that you are killing me. Tell you that I used to believe in soul mates, in marriage, and partnership. I used to believe in everything good in this life and then you did what you did. So now, I don't... and I can't stop thinking about it.

You left me to die. Alone. One day I hope you realize how wrong your actions are. Until then, I try to hold it together- not call you. You don't know how many times I have picked up that phone only to put it back down again after I remind myself that you want nothing to do with me right now. I hope you are sick and that your behavior is the result of clinical depression and bipolar. Because I refuse to believe that it's really you in there- being so cruel.

Emm

Photo By Janice Bryson

Dear Tuesday

Dear Tuesday,

Today I couldn't stop crying. I slept all day and only left my room once- and that was only because I knew I had to eat or I would be paying for it with a migraine. It's now one am here on the west coast. You are probably asleep over there.

Can I tell you that on different days I miss different things about us but today I miss getting ready for bed together? I always liked hopping in to bed as soon as you said "bed time" because I knew I had at least a half hour before you came to bed in which I could just sit and wind down. I always wanted to wind down before you got in so when you did get in to bed I could sidle up against you and just listen to you breathe.

My favorite moments with you were the quiet ones just laying down on a blanket in a park, reading next to each other in bed, walking for a late night scoop of ice cream. You were always running, always moving, and getting a glimpse of you just being still was a treat. I wish you were here to hold me. If you were here I would gently lay cheek on your neck and inhale. Over and over again.

I hope to hear from you soon, I hope one day maybe you can read these notes and it will be like you where here with me and not away.

Emm